I'm left handed. But I'm almost positive at this point that Kayla is right handed, like her mother. She's also blonde like her mother, has blue eyes like her mother, and LIKE HER MOTHER has began to love "kick". Guess what that is. Yes, the most Un-American of all Un-American sports, soccer. I've puked 17 times in the past two days when I think about Kayla liking soccer. She might as well start liking Nascar while she's at it. Next thing you know, Kayla, like her mother will want to start cracking backs and dating really attractive guys that can't land a decent job to save their life. Kayla also likes to read. And we all know she sure as hell doesn't get that from me. You know, as I'm thinking about it, I'm not so sure Kayla is my daughter. This is horrible.
At least there's still hope for Brielle. She's 4 months old and her hair still hasn't started getting lighter. and when she writes her multiplication tables, she does do them left handed.
By the way, person reading this, your mom called and told me to tell you that you were a mistake. And my Tiger Style Kung-Fu is stronger than your Dragon Style.
Apparently the pressure of me calling Matt names made him buckle. He's started a new blog here: http://thelowers.tumblr.com/. Look, we're all trying to network, people. It's all about making a name for yourself. Matt obviously realizes the power of BorbaFett.net and feels that with me promoting his site, he can achieve all of his life's goals. Here is the email he wrote me:
Hey Bud,
While I will never be the writer you are, I was hoping you could do me a favor and promote my blog on your site. If it makes you feel any better, my wife Stacey stopped calling me "Matt" about 6 months ago, and started calling me "Ricky". She also made me buy some cool jackets and Hawaiian shirts. Anyway, if you promote my blog on your incredible website, I'll finally admit that I was born without any reproductive organs.
P.S. Here are some things you may not know about me: 1. I hate the Giants. They suck.
2. For the last 5 weeks, the only thing I've eaten has been fruit roll-ups. Not good. I honestly don't recommend it. My body is not happy with me.
3. Once, when I was 30, I dabbled in "playing for the other team" if you know what I mean. But I'm 30 now, things are different.
4. The reason I don't like video games is because I pee sitting down, and I'll only take baths.
5. When I mention being an "electrician", it's code for "janitor".
- Matt
Then moments after I received the email from Matt, his 1 year old son Quinn emailed me.
Dear Ricky,
It is I, Quinn Cornelius Smith. I have been uncomfortable the last year or so, to say the least. Something has always bothered me when I looked into my fathers eyes. So I took it upon myself to do some independent research into my lineage. My mother, God bless her, would always whisper things to me when I was very very young, like "Don't you worry Quinn, that man over there on the couch in a drunken stupor watching figure skating isn't your daddy. Shhhhhh." I guess my mother thought I couldn't understand her. Moving forward, as soon as I turned 16 (months), I got my drivers license and began spending my days at the hospital where I was born. I interviewed some nurses and the doctor that delivered me. They too, had found it suspicious that I was the son of Matt Smith, since he had privately admitted to being born without reproductive organs. Long story short, while my "father" was in one of his drunken stupors on the couch, I drew some blood from his arm. This turned out to be quite the ordeal, as my syringe kept filling up with Bud Light and buffalo wing sauce. I finally prevailed however, and found just one single working vein, and was able to draw 3 cc's of blood. The DNA results came back last week, and as expected, Matt is NOT THE FATHER. I am now on a mission to find my real father. I was given some clues by letters I found in my mothers jewelry box. There are quite a few letters to my mother from someone named "Ben Affleck". I guess everyone really is f@@king Ben Affleck.
It's no secret that moving is extremely expensive. Especially when you have to come up with first AND last month's rent as your down payment. Throw in the truck rentals, gas for those trucks (we had to use 2), transferring utilities, and other miscellaneous expenses, and you're talking about prices on par with the Gross National Product of Australia. Mix in the fact that Nicki JUST started working, and is making what I think I correctly calculated to about $1.34 an hour, two babies who go through more diapers than Britney goes through crazy pills, and you get the picture. Right now, times are tough. REAL tough. The reason I told you all of that is because I am now 2 months behind on my student loan payments. Meaning, I haven't paid in 2 months.
So. Thursday I went over our budget, and figured that I could pay right around $100. Just to show Sallie Mae (my loan provider) that I'm trying to be an adult about the situation, and responsible. So here's a rundown of conversation with them.
Aaron at Sallie Mae: (Gives me the standard thanks for calling, this call may be recorded, press 2 to hear a duck quack)
Me: Hi Aaron. My name is Ricky Borba, here's my account number. As you can see, I'm two months behind on payments. (Each month is $268) I'm calling today because I want to make a partial payment. I went over my budget last night, and I'm prepared to make a $100 dollar payment. You can go back on my payment history and see that I've always paid on time, so I'm not used to these letters and phone calls I've been getting.
Aaron: Ok. Great. Looks like you have 3 loans. What we can do is setup a partial deferment payment for all 3 of those loans, and then in May, you'll have to start paying the full amount.
Me: Ok sounds good. What do I have to do?
Aaron: Well, it's $50 per loan, and you have 3. So that's $150.
Me: Ummmm, well, I can really only pay $100, but if it's absolutely necessary to pay $150, I'll do it.
Aaron: Ok. And there's a $10 processing fee for paying over the phone.
Me: Ok? So we're talking $160.
Aaron: Hold on, let me put you on hold. (7 minutes later) Hi. Sorry about that. I had to go over some things with my supervisor regarding your loan. What we can do, is take a good faith payment of the partial amount, and also (some other fee and payment that I don't remember).
Me: Ok wait. Now I'm confused. Am I paying the $160 today? Or the partial good faith payment? Or the other one?
Aaron: You're going to be paying the $160, and then you're going to have to pay the partial good faith payment, and the other payment.
Me: Whoa. So how much are we talking here? I told you at the beginning of the call that I could only pay a hundred dollars. Sounds like we're talking about a lot more?
Aaron: Hold on one second. (I hear a calculator getting molested) Okay. In order for the phone calls and letters to stop, and for us to stop reporting your late payment on your credit, the grand total is $568.
Me: No.
Aaron: I'm sorry, is that not the amount you added up as well?
Me: No, it was. I'm just not paying that. If I pay that, my family won't eat. Seriously. I can't do it.
Aaron: Sorry to hear that. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: So you don't want my $100 then?
Aaron: We're going to need $568 sir.
Me: Ok then. Have a nice day.
That was the end of the phone call. It's Sunday, that was Thursday, and I'm STILL dumbfounded by their logic. If someone owed you money, and said "Hey, I can't pay all, but I want to pay some right now", wouldn't YOU take that partial payment?!?!? Going to Art School has really been a thorn in my side. Student loans suck big time. Sallie Mae literally calls about 15 times a day. And that is not an exaggeration. I wonder if I can sue them for harassment? Considering that on more than one occasion, their phone calls have woken one of the babies up, or called during dinner, and so on. Once you are late on a payment, they become the Gestapo.
Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Thank God. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night I was IN BED ASLEEP by 8:30. It was brutal. I would get home from work, (where I was already feeling tired) and then by the time 7pm rolled around, I felt like someone hooked up an energy sucking device to me. Last night my leg was KILLING me (I think because it got cold outside, after it'd been warm for a few days). So I took a bath, then a shower, (because think about it, you just sit in the tub in water that has cleaned your body AND has bath crystals in it. not exactly the cleanest of environments) then got my ass to bed. I was counting sheep within 3 seconds of my head hitting the pillow.
Finally when I woke up this morning I felt refreshed and energized. Maybe I had the 3-day Mono strain. I feel like $858,000 bucks this morning. Not quite a million, but maybe tomorrow I'll feel 100%.
Also, I need to buy milk, but I keep forgetting. I eat cereal (cereally) every morning, except for the last 2 days because I've been out of milk. I could use Nicki's breast milk I guess, but.... Anyway, right now it's 10:12 AM and since I didn't eat breakfast AND went to bed at 8:30 last night, it's been a good 15 or 16 hours since I've eaten. The 4 screws on my desk that were from my old hard drive are looking MIGHTY tasty right now.
Oh, and the other day I got in my car. There was a fruit fly in my car. But there was no fruit inside of my car. Does that mean I'm gay because the fly thought that I was the fruit? Allegedly.
I would not be surprised if I have mono right now.
I've been going to bed at 8pm every day for the last 3 days, and I STILL feel like a truck hit me. I've never been this worn down in my life. Do I have mono? Probably not. But from what I've read, it sure seems like I have all of the initial symptoms.
There are so many good things about this video, that I don't even know where to begin. Do yourself a favor and subscribe to Pruane2Forever on youtube. He makes about one video per week, all full of the type of insight and wisdom you will see below.
Get a life and stop jackin it!
Other favorites include:
"I hate the Suite Life of Zack and Cody" "My Thoughts on the Pruane2Forever Scandal" and last but not least "Me watch ing the super bowl"
P.S. MARSHALL PILKINGTON TOLD ME ABOUT PRUANE2FOREVER
The most realistic dream I've ever had was last night. I'm wrecked today.
Nicki and I found a great Church last Saturday. The Rock of Roseville. The message that night was full of things I needed to hear, and it really helped me in a few areas of my life. It was as if the pastor had me in mind when he wrote his message. One of the topics he preached on was about wrestling with God. Jacob was going through some tough times, and to make a long story short, he actually physically wrestled with God. God busted him in the hip, and Jacob walked with a limp the rest of his life. Oh, and God also gave him a new name after they wrestled. Israel. (Which means Upright with God.) There's a reason I'm telling you all of this. So bare with me.
After hearing that message, and another portion of it which was God wants to give you the desires of your heart, but he wants you to work for them, he wants you to wrestle with him. He doesn't want to just hand over the keys to the Corvette if you haven't earned it. Anyway, after hearing all of that, I prayed to God that "I don't know how to wrestle you God, but I want to. I want a better job. I want to be happy when I go to work. Please let me have that. I'll wrestle you."
Now. Last night I had a bad headache. I went to bed. I had a dream. I dreamt that my sister Amy, my mom, and myself were at an Italian restaurant. My sister ordered Lasagna. She took a bite and said it tasted funny. So the restaurant manager came over, took a bite, and said "Yes, it seems like the meat is rotten". Next thing I knew, myself and entire family were at my mom's house because my sister had died. I was pretty emotional in the dream. Very upset. Fast forward a little bit, and my mom is holding a new baby girl. I asked my mom who it was, and she said "This is your sister Amy". I was confused. So I said "I don't get it. Is she going to grow at an accelerated rate and be 25 years old next year?" (I know, I've watched Attack of the Clones too many times). My mom said "No. I was so sad about losing your sister, that I decided to have a new baby. This is your new sister Amy". At that point in the dream I started getting REALLY upset. Crying, hardly able to walk, etc etc. I layed down on the floor in the family room and crawled to my bedroom.
Now at some point in the dream, I realized I was dreaming. So I tried waking up. But every time I "woke up" I woke up in the dream. It was absolutely the MOST real and vivid dream I've ever had in my life. It was real. My sister was dead, and I couldn't wake up.
So, I got down on my knees and BEGGED God to let me see her again. In the dream I said "God, if this is what wrestling you is like, then I'm fine with that. I'll give ANYTHING to be able to see my sister again. PLEASE let me wake up." And right after I said that, I FINALLY woke up. But I woke up crying. Hard. It was 5:38am and I was breathing heavily and couldn't stop crying. I almost called Amy, but I decided not to. I fell back asleep about 20 minutes later, but I was still crying.
So I called my sister around 8:30 and told her my dream. I couldn't even keep it together. I started crying all over again, and I told her I had no idea what the dream meant. Amy started crying too, and we were both unsure of what the dream meant. But to lighten the mood a little bit, I said "Just promise me you won't have Lasagna anytime soon." She agreed.
Today is my mom's husbands' Karls' birthday. Amy lives with my mom. My mom texted me around 9:30 this morning. Here's the text:
Hi everyone. Karls dinner is at 5:30 or 6. Lasagna, salad and garlic bread. Pineapple upside-down cake for dessert.
I am now freaking out. I called my mom and forbid her from making Lasagna tonight. So now she's calling Karl to find out something else he'd rather eat.
Unofficially, I'd like to suggest that the words spoken immediately after the camera was shut off were "on youtube, I'm going to come back and crack your skull."
We've been in Lincoln for a month now. And boy are our arms tired. Get it? Not really? Me either. I was kind of going for the "I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired". Oh well. ANYWAY. Here's the weekly rundown of our schedule. Ready? There's going to be a quiz at the end, so take notes:
Sunday nights Nicki drives to Placerville to stay the night at her parents house with Kayla and Brielle because Nicki has to be at work by 6am Monday mornings. Her dad watches the kids, then Nicki drives back to Placerville after work, gets the girls and then comes home. Round tripe, uncluding work, it's right around 190 miles.
Tuesdays Nicki starts work at 11 or 12, and her Dad comes over around 10am. I get home at 5:40 to relieve him. (No, not like that. And no, not like THAT.) Nicki gets home around 6:30.
Wednesdays Nicki has off.
Thursday is the same as Tuesday, and Thursday night is the same as Sunday night because Nicki starts work at 6am Friday morning. Lately though, she's been working from home on Fridays because all the driving and dropping the kids off is hella crazy yo.
The end.
In a few months though, Nicki will be making some serious-ass cash. And then I'll be able to pursue my dreams and hopes and passions and small asian men. I'm looking forward to the month of April. I'm pretty sure that's when Nicki will be making enough to cover my measley salary. That'll be the day. Just you wait. Freals.
So today, Nicki, her Dad and I trekked out to the old house in Fremont to take the last of the garbage and furniture to the dumps. I rented a U-Haul (which if you know me, know that I've moved about 32 times in the last 7 years, so U-Haul has a special "Ricky Borba Rate") truck and went to the house and loaded everything up. We got in the truck and made our way over to the landfill to unload. Except there was one problem. The landfill is closed on Sundays now.
So now I'm at my mom's in Manteca with my daughters, and Nicki is home alone (With our two ferocious dogs, so if you're a burglar and reading this, too bad.) because she has to be at work by 6am. So now I get to get up tomorrow morning, miss work, and go back to Fremont to go to the dumps and return the U-Haul truck by myself.
If you google my name, and hit images, the first page of results is pretty spot-on with things I love. There's a picture of a Star Wars movie ticket, a Mountain Dew can, the Taco Bell logo, your mom, a picture of the DVD cover for the TV show The Office, a picture of Tina Fey, a picture of the Governator, and of course, a picture of me. You're welcome for the long run-on sentence.
Why don't you google your name and see what fun things come up? Yeah, go. Now.
